I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
