im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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