imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I did not marry a roomba.
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