haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
