I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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