Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
