don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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