Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
