my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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