I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
