Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
