is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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