Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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