I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
