This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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