How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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