Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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