you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
