You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
