Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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