She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
