I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
