Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Michael Bay diarrhea
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
