Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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