I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Sext me about skeletons
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
