your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
