My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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