I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
