im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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