go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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