I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
