You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
