I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
