she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
