I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
