I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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