She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
