I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
