We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
