i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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