there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
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You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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