come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
