I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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