probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
