I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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