I will die if light touches me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
