hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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