I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.