How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.