You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related