What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
