he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
