this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
