dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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