Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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