Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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